indecision 2004: blow by blow

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a very special treat from our good frinds at fresyes! since i was at rehearsal last night and couldn't enjoy the climax of democracy day, 559 por vida has offered a recap:

Greetings from 559 por Vida and the Fresyes.com West Coast Editorial office. Namely my living room. Tonight is election night, and well, we’re pretty busy. So rather than invest time and effort into a full-fledged, in-depth, and any other possible big-fat hyphenated adjective you can think of political report, we’re presenting this blow-by-blow account:

4:58pm: Why on earth am I still sitting here? I haven’t done a smidge of work for 2 hours at least and Kerry just picked up Vermont. It sucks being a democrat in the United States…not because of the politics, but because of the colored maps. Republican states look like crotch rot.

5:33pm: Had to stop by the market and grab some beer. I’m starting to get the jitters. I told my friend Cevin that he’s not invited to come over tonight because I might hit him with a broken bottle. Cevin thinks everything is funny. Kerry kills in Illinois.

5:41pm: Just realized that I’ve never cared so much about Ohio in my entire life.

6:18pm: I’m really enjoying how frightened all of these morons on TV are to be the first to say anything. “Remember that you didn’t hear it here.” Jesus people are chickenshit. But I guess that if you screw the pooch as bad as they did in 2000, you tend to err on the side of caution.

6:40pm: Just traded my roommate a few beers for dinner. Raviolis are excellent with politics.

7:00pm: Bush kept Missouri. Oh well, that would have been a stretch. No polls closing for another hour…I wonder what else is on…

7:06pm: Man, I really love Full House. Not all the episodes, but the one where the Tanners et al go to Hawaii and get to jam with the Beach Boys. Don’t fucking judge me, you’ve all seen it.

7:31pm: Jeff Greenfield just referred to ARkansas as arKANSAS. I don’t know what to say about this. Did he just come up with that? Should we change the pronunciation of Bakersfield to baKERSFIELD?

7:55pm: Fuck Ohio.

7:56pm: Ohio, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean it.

8:01pm: Kerry takes Pennsylvania. Starting to feel better. Watching early returns is a bummer because all the districts that report early are 2 horse towns who always vote republican…is The Real World on tonight?

8:22pm: How the shit did John Kerry lose Florida…He gave back thousands of votes from 2000. Dammit. This is not looking good.

8:23pm: The Real World is on tonight. Reality…sweet, sweet reality…rescue me.

9:11pm: Just realized that I forgot to watch the Daily Show tonight. I think listening to Wolf Blitzer try to be smart is almost as funny though.

9:42pm: MSNBC just called Ohio for Bush. The mistake by the lake rears its ugly head.

9:43pm: Wait a minute, CNN has just labeled Ohio as a green state…do you think they did that just to fuck with Ralph Nader? Too close to call. Whatevs. 17 minutes ‘til The Real World.

10:04pm: Carville just said that Kerry needs a “double inside straight” to win. Furthermore, if I hear another Red Sox reference I’m going to shit pinstripes.

10:18pm: Ok, 11 states have voted down gay marriage legislation at this point, Bush has a Jefferson Davis like hold over the south, and the exit polls are telling us that voters are choosing morality as their key voting issue. Rove etc. have used fundamentalist church people as the cavalry. It’s official. We’re in Salem, and they’re burning us at the stake.

10:19pm: Sorry about that, I’m allergic to the rapture.

10:30pm: Wait a sec…Measure Z passed in Fresno! The Zoo is saved! Maybe we can get the little girl named Angel to campaign for the Democrats.

10:41pm: Just had an awful thought…Patriot Act II.

11:00pm: Going to bed. Hoping to wake up surprised, but my money is on depressed. America…what happens when 290 million strangers are picked to live in a country, stop being polite, and start being…gulp…real.